


It's His Addiction

by TheInquibitchin



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cullen Angst, F/M, Fluffy Ending, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, angsty angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 18:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3660867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInquibitchin/pseuds/TheInquibitchin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen doesn't remember the last time he'd felt pain like this. His lyrium withdrawals are getting worse and worse, and without Ariana there to ease him through it, Cullen starts considering taking lyrium again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's His Addiction

Cullen could feel his attentions waning the harder her tried to focus on the words in front of him. Ariana’s carefully inked words were blurring before his eyes, becoming dark smudges on the thick parchment. The pain in his head was increasing, a heavy throbbing at the base of his skull. His fingers twitched.

“Dearest Cullen,” he read aloud, trying to force himself to focus.

A sudden explosion of pain erupted from his temples, and he closed his eyes while turning both hands into knotted fists. It took a moment for the worst of the pain to subside. When he could finally open his eyes again, he sighed. Ariana’s letter was a crumpled wad of paper now, ugly folds and dents masking her words. He wanted to chuck the letter across the room in frustration, and was intent on doing so until he heard a soft knock at his door.

With his gruffest voice, he responded, “Yes? What is it?”

One of Leliana’s scouts opened the door, his eyes focused on the documents in his hands.

“More reports for you, Commander,” he said, cautiously approaching Cullen’s desk. There was more than one reason that the scouts called Cullen’s office the Lion’s den.

Cullen sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. The headache was already rearing up again, the sunlight coming through the door an unwelcome catalyst.

“Fine, just leave them on the desk. I’ll get to them in a moment.”

“Yes, Commander.” The scout placed the mound gingerly in front of Cullen, careful not to disrupt the documents already spread around him.

“Is there anything you need from me, Commander?”

“Leave,” Cullen growled, his voice thrumming with warning.

Yes, Commander. Goodbye, Commander.”

Cullen grunted his own goodbye and cringed at the sound of the door closing. Everything was aggravating him today – the slightest touches, the softest sounds. He couldn’t even hear to go outside for fear of being assaulted by the sun.

_Maybe I should rest_ , he thought to himself, _I’ve faced worse than this before. I’ll be fine._

He braced his hand against the table before attempting to stand. He was able to walk two steps before coming to kneel near the edge of his desk. The pain had spread from his skull to his muscles. Every movement hurt. Just the effort to keep from falling over was exhausting.

_I’ve faced worse than this_ , he repeated, gritting his teeth.

He stood up taking deep breaths in an attempt to control the pain, to subdue it. The pain only intensified the longer he stood. Cullen hadn’t even realized he wasn’t moving towards his ladder. He kept wanting his body to move forward but found himself immobile. He slammed a fist into the book case he had taken to leaning against.

Again, his voice was a growl as he said, “I have faced worse.”

Cullen decided against climbing up to his private quarters, resigning to the couch placed in the corner for situations like this. Ariana had taken to worrying about him as soon as she became aware he’d stopped taking lyrium. He’d told her that he would handle it, that he would not give less to the inquisition than he gave to the chantry. He would not break his promise to her. He wouldn’t…

The pain only intensified as he drew closer to the lounge. His breathing was ragged, and the sweat was collecting in the creases between his brows. He moved to shrug of the fur-lined mantle he usually wore, the fabric suddenly far too hot. Then came the shoes, the armor, until he was left in just a white tunic and his small clothes. He fell against the couch, grateful not to be moving any longer. But the pain didn’t decrease. His body convulsed beneath bursts of pain, his face contorting as he tried to keep the screams and groans in his throat. He would not bring the entirety of skyhold to his side because he couldn’t handle a little pain.

_I have faced…worse…_

There was nothing left for Cullen to do, but to endure. When it became too much, he reached for a cushion to stifle the cries. It lasted for hours, his body unable to fight the withdrawl symptoms. Cullen’s skin grew paler the longer he suffered. During the worst of the waves, he found his eyes drifting over towards the bookcase. His eyes focused on a specific book, third shelf from the top, where he kept the lyrium from his days as a Templar in it’s hollowed out space. Cullen wanted to resist the temptation, but the craving was there, the desperation.

_I cannot give less. I must be able to perform my duties._

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but think of Ariana is the Emerald Graves. He couldn’t decide what would be the greater disappointment, him failing to uphold his promise to her or him relapsing and falling victim to his addiction again.

Before his thoughts went any further, his pain intensified once again. All he could think about was the pain he felt along every inch of his body, the flames that burned him from the inside out while poisoned daggers stabbed at his vital organs. Unable to hold it back, he roared from the pain. Cullen could barely keep himself together, the pain was so intense. He just wanted it to end. He wanted everything to stop. In that moment, he decided he had to make the pain subside at any cost.

Cullen struggled to his feet, crying out with each step towards the bookcase. There was nothing else to do. He had to take lyrium, just this once. He reached his hand out just as his body shook violently. He could no longer hold himself up. He crumpled to the floor, taking a whole shelf down along with him. The world was going dark. Cullen just wanted it to end. He saw the vial with its electric blue liquid swirling inside. He reached out, aiming to pull the cork and swallow every drop, but fell limp. He was consumed by blackness, and everything fell away.

The next time Cullen opened his eyes, he was shocked to see bright green ones waiting for him.

“You’re awake? Thank the Maker,” she said, her voice wavering slightly.

Cullen moved to sit up, but she put a hand on his chest.

“No, you need to rest. Please.”

Cullen did as she asked, but took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers together.

“How long was I out?”

“A week? I only got in a few nights ago.” Her eyes dropped to the floor. “When they told me what happened, I-I had to see you. Make sure you were okay.”

Cullen’s eyebrows rose above disbelieving eyes.

“Have you been waiting here since then?”

Ariana chuckled and looked at him again. “Leliana makes me leave periodically to get food or to sleep for a bit in my own bed.”

“But other than that?”

Ariana nodded, squeezing his fingers.

It was all Cullen could do not to raise up and take Ariana in his arms just then.

“I am so sorry,” he said instead, “I told you, you wouldn’t have to worry about me. And I end up here.” Cullen gestured to the healer’s ward around him. A healer was wringing out a towel in the corner, smiling softly to herself. She came over to hand Ariana the rag so she could place it on Cullen’s forehead.

“Hush,” she whispered just inches from her face. “We don’t need to talk about this now. You need bed rest.”

Cullen was getting frustrated. He was not going to be confined to that sick room for one. For two, he needed to say this to Ariana before he lost the courage, before she found out some other way.

“I was weak, Ariana…so very weak,” he started. He couldn’t look her in the eyes as he said this, focusing instead on their hands joined together in front of him. “I-I am not fit to be the commander of the inquisition any longer. I am not fit to—”

Ariana quieted him with a shake of her head. With her other hand, she cupped the side of his face, rubbing her thumb over his cheek. She brought her forehead to rest on top of his. Ariana didn’t say anything for a moment, just stood there with her eyes closed.

“They found you with an unopened bottle of lyrium in your hand,” she said, evenly. She didn’t betray any hint of emotion in her words. Slowly, she raised her eyelids and caught his stare.

“I know, Cullen. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be the commander,” she paused, a hint of red on her cheeks. She cleared her throat. “My commander,” she corrected. “A moment of weakness does not a broken man make. You are more than fit to be commander, Cullen. We’ll just have to adapt, okay?”

Cullen wasn’t sure what to say. He was incredibly overjoyed. Ariana, his Ariana, still wanted to be his. She still wanted him to run her army. She still wanted him.

He closed the distance between their faces, capturing her mouth with his and planting a soft kiss against it. Ariana smiled, returning the kiss and pulling away to kiss him everywhere else – his nose, his temple, his cheek, his chin.

“Please don’t ever scare me like that again,” she pleaded between pecks.

Cullen chuckled despite the pit in his stomach. He knew it would happen again, that it could be a lot worse than this. Locking on her eyes, he didn’t lie to her.

“I will try my hardest, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you like Dragon Age tumblrs, this is mine: http://theinquibitchin.tumblr.com (I post my stuff on there too :D)


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